I’ve just come off a 3-day slump in which I faced down the fear monster. Again.
Fear is one of the joys of making a major life transition, especially in midlife, when we have more to lose. Fear of the unknown. Of criticism. Of risk.
It can honestly feel like you’re on the road to Mordor. Black riders of doubt flying overhead. Gollem lurking in the pit of your stomach. A ring of power — your past — burns you, but you can’t take it off.
Ironically, my new adventure is about creating tools and offering support for women in transition. So I can write it all off as valuable research.
Sometimes the joy of pain is how great it feels when it’s over. Like a headache. This morning, I ventured more deeply into the heart of the beast. Pema Chödrön taught me to brave these emotions. And by allowing, came a real breakthrough. I suddenly see the nature of my fear. I can begin to taste the antidote, trust.
And suddenly, I’m so in Love with this journey. I’m totally in LOVE with the Holy Grail that prompted me to leave the comforts of my old life: finding and creating the life exactly right for me, my unique gifts and callings.
Now there is even MORE LOVE than I had before. Because I came through the fire for it. Because I faced the monster.
I’m so grateful I get to even consider seeking a life with more meaning. That there’s still enough to eat. I’m so grateful that my husband loves me in spite of my dark moments, or because of them. Because I’m willing to take this on and ask him to hold me until I feel safe enough to write this.
I’m in love. With all of it. The joy, the fear, the doubt, the dark and the light and every shade in between.
And I wish the same for you, this Valentine’s Day.
Tell me: how are you in love with your own life?