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Get Yourself a Gorgeous Ego

The Ego has a bad reputation: Leave your Ego at the door. Let go of your Ego. Don’t be an Egomaniac.

The spiritual goal of many traditions involves dissolving the ego. It’s too much thinking and action, not enough awareness and being. An ego is a trap. A mind game. And it makes you act like an ass.

Perhaps this is just semantics, but what is an ego but your Self, your sweet little consciousness in your own unique individual body? It’s your identity.

Call me unenlightened, but I question the desire to become selfless, to mush all our individual distinctions into the great sea of spirit.

I’ve struggled with the notion of being selfish my whole life. Somehow paying too much attention to my inner life, my needs, desires, and creative passions was narcissistic. Not caring enough about other people and their needs. Not doing enough for others.

In the past, putting others first was the gold standard for being female. Some women kick ass at caretaking. Some of us kick ass at other things. In my experience, caretaking can be just as egocentric as other activities designed to make people love us.

Getting over the striving, ravenous need to get love (that we believe we don’t deserve) is a big step toward creating a gorgeous, healthy ego. Because you begin to acknowledge that you do, in fact, DESERVE it. Without all the striving. Because you feel the love inside, the Big Love that is truly unconditional.

I am a creator. I have an ego. My ego grabs the messages and symbols from the dream world — the subconscious, the part of me that’s connected to everything — and makes stuff from that raw material. My ego works very hard to craft those messages. To write novels, make artwork, create songs and perform them. My ego is the ferry driver, the handyman, the translator, the connector. Without an ego, I couldn’t bring any of that stuff from there to here.

The human collective needs our creative diversity, our rampant blossoming. My ego likes to be seen for what she brings to the community. (She is so happy to be here, selfishly expressing, that she even put her own photo at the top of this post).

This is not only okay, it’s a frigging requirement of a healthy life. I’m here to shout it out, to add my voice to those who defend true, healthy, selfishness.

What does a gorgeous ego look like?

  • You are yourself. With ease.
  • You radiate. You shine. You shield your presence only when required.
  • You don’t have to prove how freaking awesome you are. You simply are.
  • You do not try to dominate or control others, consciously or unconsciously. You don’t need to.
  • You are aware of the greater world around you. You are compassionate.
  • You notice how your behavior affects others. You correct when necessary, apologize graciously.
  • You are attentive to others’ experience. You listen. You are curious about their lives. You love them, like crazy.
  • You share your self openly. You dance if you love to dance, hug if you love to hug, help others if that’s what you love.
  • You acknowledge feelings — pain, fear, joy, gratitude. You take full responsibility for them, like your own offspring, yet you know they are just feelings, and will change. You do not have to get hooked or let them control your behavior.
  • You express your emotions when it’s useful, when it will transform them, or help others understand you.
  • You do not have to have all the answers. You are ok with questions. In fact, you adore them.

So please don’t leave your gorgeous ego at the door. Work with it. Bring it.

And tell me: Do you worry that your ego is too much? Are you willing to be utterly yourself?

Your comments are a warm breeze blowing up my skirt.

By christine

I’m a singer, coach and creative facilitator. I work with people who want to open their full voice so they can connect, create and communicate from the Heart. I offer heart & voice workshops, circles, HeartsQuest retreats, Summer Spark Camps, HeartsVoice coaching and sound healing sessions.

9 replies on “Get Yourself a Gorgeous Ego”

How can i not comment knowing where the wind of my words will go?

I had a fierce love affair with the kind of spiritual practice that was driven to transcend ego. For me, it felt like having some kind of control over parts of myself I felt utterly betrayed by. THese not chosen, inner shadows lingered at the edges of the things I desired and seemed menacing.

I learned a lot about discipline and focus and commitment and integrity from traveling myself in that way – like being an intrepid explorer, I had determination, skills, rituals to ensure safety and focus….

and then my poetic instincts just couldn’t take it anymore – stamping their feet for my attention and amusing me and arousing me with emotional dynamic and the adoring of people’s personalities and the particular solitude and ecstasy of being inside my own and this deeply physical sensation of coming from this earth – not somewhere more metaphysical, and how hungrily i wanted to make love to it.

I realized that, for me, I am made of my yearning and all my best stuff comes from the hope and wonderment i live inside. My hope is neighbours with my dispair – they have camp fire jam sessions and invite all those shadows that play the most haunting music to compliment the joyous or frivolous melodies the rest of me plays.

A wilder life arouses me and tells me my ego must be sturdy and vibrantly nourished in order to delight in emotional risks and dance on the edges and really feel other people when they come to me. but of course, it’s easier having realized that my selfishness and vanity and need for attention and adoration have never really kept loving away from me at all…

i loved reading this and thinking about it and writing to you about it.


Erin, What gorgeous writing! What a gorgeous ego at play here! We are in utter agreement: THIS place, THIS life, with all its cravings and delights, including a longing for balance, are heaven.

Especially love this > “My hope is neighbors with my despair…” Were you reading my mind today? That’s the subject of a dance/song/video I’m cooking up.

I’m sure we’ll meet again — and thanks for blowing up my skirt.

Christine —

I ADORE this post. Your bulleted list gives us so much freedom & ownership over ourselves and our experience, which I totally appreciate.

And your comment invitation? *Love* that for you! LOL

— Abby

This is a great conversation.

The book ‘The Light Inside the Dark’ by John Tarrant expresses the conflict between the spirit (pushing towards transcendence of ego, earthly pleasures etc.) and soul (the embodied artist, lover, poet).

To run with either one of these archetypes to the very finish line is a life without balance, a single-minded attempt to embrace just half of human experience. To climb the ladder of spiritual highs and slide down into the depths of human FEELING, to see both sides of the coin as one, this is to have character and integrity.

After delightfully sliding down from experiences of egolessness back into my sensual body, I am glad that we can know both and be full.

Love this, Kit. YES. Thank you so much for this reminder of the distinction, and the book recommendation, too.

These days we’re called to blur the edges between polarities. Black & white = either, and. It’s both an earthly pleasure and a spiritual song to riff on. I look forward to doing this in community with people like you.

[…] I have a crazy list of things to do, and will never get to them in a timeline that will satisfy my gorgeous ego, I can approach each moment as an opportunity to find the flow. A sense of ease and […]

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